Occupy Poetry

Don Pablo and the Guinea Pig Experiment

BY Joe DeMarco

If you’re gonna do an experiment you might as well experiment on Guinea Pigs. I mean that’s like the phrase. Like you know inter-changeable with experiment, as in don’t turn me into a Guinea Pig. Well that’s what Don Pablo thought. He had read Daniel Quinn’s Ishmael and the idea of Hamsters didn’t quite sit right with him, but there in front of him left there by his ex-girlfriend was a cage. A relatively small cage about two feet by a foot in width and length, and about a foot and a half in height. He bought the male and female Guinea Pigs, and named them Adam and Eve. The idea was really simple. A social experiment. The Guinea Pigs representing the Human Population, The cage representing the world. Given the right amount of food how long until the Guinea Pigs run out of room.
Don Pablo was excited, he took them home and put Adam and Eve in the cage. As you can probably imagine or can’t imagine depending on what you know about Guinea Pigs, it takes quite a while for them to mate and reproduce, roughly 90 days and they usually only birth a litter of 1-3, so the cage did not fill up all at once.
First Adam and Eve had two girls named Natasha and Jubilee. In these days the cage was very spacious and the litter ran wild across the open plains of saw dust and Guinea fodder. The food was plentiful, there was no fighting and everything was wonderful.
But then, approximately 6 month after he bought Adam and Eve, a tragedy struck the cage, while Eve birthed three more Guinea Pigs she died. Adam was heart broken, but did his best to keep the tribe of six together. Don Pablo named the two boys and one girl, Mittens, Moe and Mary Jane. The days were long, the food was still plentiful, and the plain was not as big, but there was still room to scamper and the youth did play, forgetting their mother quite easily.
A year had passed and Don Pablo was less excited about this social experiment then the start, but he kept at, wanting to see where this would go, as if he didn’t know. Nearly a month passed and finally Jubilee was pregnant, she birthed a litter of one making the total number of pigs in the cage seven. The male was named Marty.
The days were full of play the nights, well the night were full of sleep it does not take Guinea Pigs long to fuck, talk about Boom, Bam, thank you Ma’am. And nearly a month later Natasha gave birth to a whopping litter of four. Natasha named her four Nancy, Nora, Nadine, and Lorraine and all four were female.
Eleven pigs in a cage and the space was not plentiful anymore, but pigs liked to lay down and there were still several small pigs, plus the food was still flowing from the one they called The Great Eyes who sometimes stared at them from outside the cage.
Over the next six months Natasha and Jubilee both birthed one more each, but Mary Jane died while impregnated. Eighteen months and still only twelve pigs. By now Don Pablo was less than enthusiastic about his social experiment and he was starting to think it a bust. He really believed it to be true when Jubilee died while giving birth to a stillborn. Back down to eleven, and Don Pablo was starting to think maybe the human race would be okay. He could not have been more wrong. Just as Don Pablo’s ennui set in, Natasha was pregnant again and all four of the N sisters looked as if they might be expecting. After that there was no more room, and it was tough to tell who was pregnant and who was not. The Guinea Pigs got fat and lazy. There was no room to scamper. The amount of shit in the cage was constantly a health hazard and worst of all Don Pablo was only changing it half as often. They had reached maximum capacity, yet still Natasha and Nancy were pregnant again. Don Pablo lost interest after that. There were factions of Natasha’s family against Jubilee’s family, the cage got smaller still, the feed never seemed enough. The moral had pretty much been proved. The world is a finite place, just like a cage and humans can’t continue to expand indefinitely.

Vegans Are Tastier


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