Unquotable quotes: Fat People – XXIX
(I know this piece sounds mean and cruel but as every single parent must have experienced, this is also the expression of utter exasperation, and perhaps there’s also the slightest hint of an iota of necessary truth in it after all. No offence meant
to those who may feel hurt. If you can laugh at yourself, you are well on the way to a cure, even if what you read is of very bad taste.)
The gravest danger facing mankind is NOT the Rio Olympics, NOT the greenhouse effect, NOT the nuclear arms race, NOT the organized immigrant or refugee terror attacks, NOT asteroids and meteorites slamming down on us, NOR the War of terrestrial gods coming to a head after three thousand years, but – you guessed it – HUMAN FAT, in other words, GLUTTONY!
Be it deemed of utmost importance that LAWS be so enacted by common consent among nations, and approved by the United Nations’ General Assembly, that whenever and wherever countries are stricken by widespread famine due to – or not – over-eating by over-sized people that these latter ought and should be slaughtered to feed the starving masses.
And should this extraordinary measure not suffice to relieve the emergency, then other nations being likewise depleted by the self-same variety of culprits in their midst should come to the aid of the afore-mentioned stricken country by dispatching plane and ship-loads of their own excess fat at the first drop of the hat. (Here, my own donation to the cause: a fifty-odd excess-weight progeny who can eat anyone out of house and home.)
Be it hereby known that it would be cheaper and easier by far for any nation to balance its payments if the State in question passes laws to put behind bars all who are oversized on the assumption, for once in there, they can be put on a starvation diet and forced to work to pay off their keep and chow, and this for the betterment of the human race at large.
There’s no crime more bloody or unseemly than the very act of becoming fat: watch the glutton eat and you’ll want to commit a capital crime.
The glutton will willingly forego sex to stuff himself in bed.
Chew, chew, chew your food, gently chew your meat; merrily, merrily, merrily keep adding to your rude seat!
Oh! How easy it is to say the fat man or woman is the victim of depression!
True, do them a favour and save them from themselves - by force!
What the future portends for them:
Imagine a future Olympics with fat athletes, even if it will attract more spectators for obvious reasons: the marathon might take four years to complete, if at all.
The Tour de France will have to be scrapped for no velo/bicycle will withstand the crush of the first downhill carambolage.
Restaurants in the near future will carry sign-boards saying: “Dogs and Fat People Please Take to Your Heels!”
All cars, buses, trains and planes will be equipped with single seats - half the size of those manufactured now.
The entrances to public lavatories will be reduced to half their present size for the specific purpose of preventing fat people from entering these facilities.
Fines for defecating in public places will be tripled or quadrupled.
The manufacture of clothing beyond the small-medium or X-size will be definitely banned.
Fat people who normally take up 90% of the walking space on pavements and sidewalks will be prohibited from wearing shoes and slippers.
Prostitutes will make fat people pay a whopping supplement equal to more than three or four times the usual fee.
The sale of chocolates and potato chips to fat people will be limited to one bar and one sachet once in a blue moon.
Travel agencies will be instructed to put fat people in the front of the plane’s seating arrangements to facilitate the de-capitation of the air-craft during the landing process.
No over-sized person will be allowed to present himself or herself for elective office at any level of government.
Beaches, spars and swimming pools will be out-of-bounds to over-sized people.
The fire-brigade and the emergency health services will be authorised to refuse first-aid to over-sized people struck down by a stroke or heart failure.
No over-sized person found in bed with or without another occupant in a nonplussed state will be given a burial according to his religious rites: he or they will be summarily immolated in that very bed without further ado.
Furthermore, at the rate populations all over the world grow increasingly fat, sooner rather than later even the porn industry will go fart: one would need to fart vigorously to locate the apertures in concealed flabs and folds of pits!
And, finally, to balance the weighing-machine, all manufacturers who grow fat on the weight-accumulating produce, such as, sweets, cakes, greasy meat, potato chips and the like that they churn out indifferently should be made to gorge themselves with their own merge!